Why I feel stressed in my relationship
Common triggers for men in their 40s and 50s.
You could be sabotaging your relationship without realizing it.
Can you relate to these statements?
‘My partner doesn’t listen to me.’
‘My partner doesn’t appreciate what I do for them.’
‘I feel more and more disconnected from my partner.’
‘Why do I feel stressed in my relationship?’
‘We keep getting into arguments where we blame and criticize each other.’
When I hear this, I know my clients are likely stressed by two common issues in midlife relationships:
Emotional neglect and being in a cycle of criticism and blame.
These issues can cause painful feelings of loneliness and rejection if they happen repeatedly over time.
When this occurs, unconscious reactions can appear that make things worse.
Have a think about your own situation. Has it become better or worse over time? Are you sabotaging your relationship without realizing it?
Understand your relationship stress. Uncover your unconscious sabotage strategies. Learn to replace them with healthier ones that will help you reconnect with your partner.
Follow this step-by-step guide to overcome relationship stress and feel a greater connection.
1: Why I feel stressed in my relationship: The role of emotional neglect.
When we reach our 40s and 50s, there are many factors that mean we have less time and energy. More responsible positions at work. Increased demands on our time from aging parents or kids. Entrenched unhealthy habits around such things as alcohol or devices.
We then often invest less in our relationships. It is a natural response to our circumstances. As a result, some of our basic emotional needs for affection, attention, and empathy can end up not being met.
Also, men who feel neglected may see their partner’s actions as rejection. Studies show this can increase anxiety, stress, and withdrawal.
A couple I once worked with, who had been neglecting each other for a while, came to me in acute distress one day because of an argument over the washing up. Sound familiar?
As a coach, I know that it’s never really about the washing up. After digging a bit, I found that the man in the couple had become upset. His partner had asked him to stack the plates in a certain way. A very neutral request. But he had interpreted it as, “nothing I ever do is good enough,” which made him feel unloved.
As I said, it’s never really about the washing up.
Feelings of rejection are major sources of stress in relationships. They cause arguments, pain, and unhelpful reactions that create more distress.
2: How the cycle of blame and criticism creates stress in my relationship
Also linked to feelings of rejection, a common source of stress in relationships is the blame / criticism cycle.
Esther Perel, a well-known relationship therapist and author, describes this as an escalating ´figure eight´.
She explains how, when we feel rejected, our reactions come out in rapid fire. In order not to feel the pain of rejection, we immediately hit back with criticism and blame.
This creates an escalation of defense and attack. We get stuck in a hard-to-stop loop. It reinforces negative patterns in the relationship.
The only way to stop this cycle is for one member of the couple to become aware and soften their response. Better still, learn the skills you need to not enter the cycle in the first place.
The first step to doing that is awareness.
3: Reveal the unconscious sabotage strategies that increase relationship stress.
Our human brains are hardwired to protect us against pain. We run from danger without thinking about it. We instinctively avoid putting our hands into fire.
The problem is that our primitive brains can’t tell the difference between physical and emotional pain.
We will quickly and unconsciously react to being hurt. We will use the best, most instinctive, protective strategies. We attack, we shut down, we avoid the person who we perceive has hurt us.
The problem is, in the moment, these strategies may help. But, they ultimately harm our relationships. This then creates more stress and pain.
4: Uncover what your true needs are.
This takes a bit of work, but once you get the hang of it, it can be one of the most powerful skills you will ever learn.
Self-inquiry is a psychological tool that encourages you to ask yourself questions about what you are experiencing.
When you feel stressed or angry with your partner, ask, “What am I believing about this situation or what they are trying to say?” Then, ask, “How does this make me feel?”
If you feel angry, for example, you probably perceive an injustice and need validation. If you feel hurt or rejected, your need is to feel loved and accepted. If you feel frustrated, your need is to feel understood.
Think about the examples above. How likely are you to get those needs met by raising your voice, verbally attacking, or refusing to speak?
- Learn how to communicate to get your needs met.
Esther Perel discusses the power of switching from reactive to curious in couples’ communication. She advises entering the other person’s realm with empathy. This will help reveal the underlying issues.
Ask them questions about why they have behaved as they have behaved. Check whether what you think they’ve meant is actually what they meant.
The key is, don’t assume. Ask.
Once you realize the root of their behavior, you will almost always see that it’s not because they don´t care about you. They are just going through their own challenges. They might also be feeling upset. They might be feeling something very like you.
Finding this common ground can be the start of reconnection. Understanding each other’s needs, and not seeing the other as an enemy, can strengthen that connection.
Once that connection is back, you will be much more likely to receive the affection, attention and empathy that you need to feel happy.
I will say that this is not easy to do when you are feeling hurt. You may need help with tools to help you regulate your own emotions first.
If you want to feel less stressed and more connected in your relationship, then we should talk.
No need for therapy or endless coaching sessions. I combine psychology and neuroscience to help rewire your brain.
Get the relationship you want. Book your free call here.
I am a psychotherapist and men’s relationship coach. I have a Bachelor degree in Psychology and a Masters degree in Psychotherapy. In recent years I have focused my work on developing tools that combine neuroscience and psychology to provide an alternative to therapy. I’ve found this work particularly helpful to men experiencing relationship issues. Through these tools, I have been able to empower them to get the relationship that they want without the need for endless coaching or therapy sessions.
´Having worked with thirteen therapists, using the Rewire Tool with Jess is the only thing that has worked.´ Rob 50, happily married with two children.
If you want to be in a relationship that makes you happy, we should talk.
