Relationship Doubts

Top 5 reasons why midlife men question their relationship.

In his bestselling book in his book 4000 Weeks Oliver Burkman points out that life is finite.

We cannot choose to live all experiences. By choosing one thing, we are by default not choosing something else.

This very fact puts a lot of pressure on the choices we make in life.

Our relationships have a great influence on our well-being. So, making the right relationship choice is very important.

It is understandable that doubts appear as we evaluate our relationship.

To make things more complicated, midlife is a time when men naturally start to question their lives in general.

This can be an opportunity and a curse.

Read on to discover how you can free yourself from the stress of constant doubt in your relationship.

1.Relationship doubts related to emotional disconnection

Over time, many men feel emotionally distant from their partner.

The relationship may lack deep conversations, affection, or shared experiences, leading to feelings of loneliness, even when you are together.

Feeling lonely when you are with someone can be even more painful than feeling lonely when you are alone.

Because you expect to feel connection and you don’t, it can lead you to doubt your relationship, creating additional stress.

Instead of getting lost in the negative spiral of questioning and doubt, try to find ways to create connection. Expressing how you are feeling can be a great way to start.

Studies show there is a strong link between vulnerability and connection.

If you are one of the many men who find it difficult to be vulnerable about your feelings, you are definitely not alone. But it is crucial to work through this challenge if you are to reconnect with your partner.

2.How lack of intimacy & attraction can create relationship doubts.

It’s normal for sex to become less frequent in long-term relationships. Despite this fact, this is often the main concern for my clients who are in committed relationships.

We are given messages that create false expectations. We should be having hot sex with our partner, or there must be something wrong with the relationship.

This is not to say that you can’t maintain a good sex life. In fact, it is important in maintaining a connection.

But unlike in the beginning of a relationship, where sex usually comes naturally, it takes effort and creativity as time goes on and the initial spark wears off.

Relationship and sex podcaster Dan Savage highlights that at the beginning of a relationship, sex is an adventure. But it’s impossible to stay in the beginning.

Unless you constantly switch relationships, which creates its own issues.

Savage encourages us to, ‘go out into the world and have adventures together.’ Think about how you could include more adventure in your relationship both in and out of the bedroom.

3. The stress of constant conflict and criticism creates further doubt.

Dynamics in relationships get created over time. If the dynamic becomes a cycle of blame, criticism, and defensiveness, it can become exhausting.

When we are tired, we are more likely to get stuck in negative thinking. We are more likely to see problems.

In addition, conflict affects our nervous system. Professor of Psychiatry and author Dan Siegal explains that our negative experiences don’t just live in our thoughts; they live in our bodies.

So, if you are thinking negatively about your relationship and you are constantly tense in your body, it’s no surprise that you are wondering why you are choosing to stay.

Calming your own mind and nervous system through activities such as meditation, doing cardio exercise or talking to someone, can help you have a clearer picture.

This can help you to make better decisions and have more helpful responses to your partner.

4. Desire for freedom and independence

As we get older, it becomes more apparent that our lives are finite. This puts even more pressure on making sure we are living our best lives. Making the right choices for ourselves.

This can lead men to question whether they’ve sacrificed their dreams, freedom or individuality for their relationship.

When making this assessment, it’s important to remember that there is always going to be a payoff. You can’t have it all, as much as you would desperately like to. There is always a negative and positive aspect to all decisions.

Try to focus on what you are grateful for in your relationship. After all, the grass is not greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.

Read more about what to do if you are not sure about whether to leave your partner here.

Neuroscience teaches us that where attention goes, energy flows. If you focus on what you love, you will love it more and be happier as a result.

5. Attraction to someone else.

It is inevitable that you will become attracted to others during a long-term relationship. This does not mean there is anything wrong with your relationship but can be a major source of doubt.

Being attracted to others is not a problem if you can allow yourself the freedom to experience it without acting on it.

If it creates negative feelings towards your partner it can become a problem. You might find yourself judging them more or losing your attraction for them.

Fantasy doesn’t have any of the constraints of reality. This fact means that it is too easy to imagine a perfect future with no conflict and amazing sex for years with a new person.

Some people are not able to enjoy attraction to others without it affecting their relationship negatively. If this is the case for you, it is better not to fuel the fire.

Try to turn your fantasies towards your partner. You may be surprised at how this can reignite the fire.

If you want to become free of the stress of doubt in your relationship, then we should talk.

No need for therapy or endless coaching sessions. I combine psychology and neuroscience to help rewire your brain.   

 Get the relationship you want. Book your free call here.