I love my girlfriend but I keep cheating
A guide to understanding why you cheat and deciding what to do about it.
It is an often-believed myth that people who love someone don’t cheat.
It simply isn’t true. I’ve worked with countless men who I know genuinely love their partners but who continue to cheat.
So if that’s the case, why would someone cheat on someone whom they love? Why would they risk causing the pain of betrayal? Why would they live with the constant worry of getting caught?
When I work with men who cheat, our main focus is to discover these reasons.
Cheating can cause a lot of internal conflict. Despite the risks and stress involved, it can be very hard to stop. There is a part of you that doesn’t want to. So what do you do?
Relationship expert Matthew Hussey says, “The ‘why’ part of the process is something lots of people don’t do, but it’s essential. Were you insecure, or looking for attention? Understanding why it happened is crucial to prevent it from happening again.”
In this guide, discover the top reasons why men cheat and their solutions.
1.‘I love my girlfriend but I keep cheating’. Is it because you are experiencing emotional disconnection?
Has the relationship become more distant? Are you talking less or having less physical intimacy? Not only sex, but affection too?
Things to try:
Make time for each other. Spending quality time together doing things you enjoy can be a way to reconnect.
Communicate openly. Many couples reduce their communication to sharing only the day’s facts. It’s important to also share your feelings and opinions about things. Instead of distracting yourself on your phone, make time to have a conversation. It will feel much more rewarding.
Take steps toward physical closeness. You might not feel like doing this when you have become distant. Take small steps. Use the principle of ‘fake it till you make it’.
One guy I worked with was feeling rejected by the lack of physical intimacy with his partner. He particularly struggled with this. The fear of rejection kept him away. So he started with simply sitting closer to his partner on the sofa. Giving her his full attention when she spoke. An affectionate touch here and there.
She began to respond more positively. His confidence grew, so he approached her more. They were both happier as they became reconnected.
2.Do you keep cheating because you have a desire for novelty or excitement?
The average time for the ‘in love’ phase of a relationship is six months to two years. After this, it’s normal to not feel the excitement you may have felt in the beginning. You might miss this feeling and think the solution is to look for it elsewhere.
What to do:
Add novelty to the relationship. Plan new experiences together. Try a new activity or go on spontaneous dates.
Discuss your fantasies. Talking about sexual or emotional desires can help both partners. It can fulfill them without seeking outside novelty.
Challenge yourself. Set a personal goal, like a sports competition or learning a new skill.
3.Are you cheating because you feel bad about yourself?
We all struggle with low self-esteem at times. Some more than others. Intimate relationships can be where we experience this the most. Especially if we perceive our partner’s behavior or words as rejection.
It can sometimes be easier to get a confidence boost through attention from someone else. The reality is, this may work for a bit. But, the same issue will likely appear with this new person in the long run if you don’t fix these issues in yourself.
What to do:
Boost your confidence through action. Set some personal goals. They can be about fitness, your career, or new skills. Make them achievable.
Be kind to yourself. Notice your self-talk and change it. How would you talk to a friend experiencing the same issues? Try using this language instead.
Notice where your partner validates you. Ask for feedback on what they appreciate about you. Notice when they give you positive validation through words and actions.
Humans tend to notice negative feedback more than positive. This is a survival mechanism. In cave-person times, the fear of rejection kept us on our toes. It was vital to avoid being kicked out of the tribe and risking death.
This gives us a skewed view of other people’s opinions of us. Noticing the positive takes effort. But, it’s vital for our well-being, especially in relationships.
4.Are you looking for sex outside of the relationship due to sexual dissatisfaction?
Sex is an important part of a relationship. It brings us closer together. For men in particular, it can be a way of expressing love that complements verbal or other forms of intimacy.
Men also find sex important for validation. It can provide reassurance of worth in a relationship and help them feel more secure.
So if you are having an inactive period in your sex life, it could be affecting you in many ways. It’s natural that you would look for it elsewhere if you feel like you don’t know how to fix this with your partner.
What to do:
Discuss sexual needs openly. I know it’s hard to talk about our own needs. But, it’s crucial to start with open communication. Talk about what you like with your partner.
If you are not having enough sex, talk to your partner about how to address this. Listen to them and try to figure out what the issues might be together. After all, both partners will be feeling the effects of a sex life that isn’t working.
Research shows that men who communicate more openly about their sexual needs experience greater satisfaction.
Explore together: Try new things as a couple to rekindle your sexual excitement. Consider romantic getaways or intimate games. I’ve seen this with my clients time and time again. Changing the environment and routine can have a huge positive effect.
Emotional connection is key. If you’re distant, you won’t want to be intimate.
This is particularly true for women. I’ve seen too many of my heterosexual male clients go straight for asking for sex as a way to reconnect. This is often met with rejection. They miss the crucial step of reconnecting emotionally with words or acts of affection. Rejection can be painful, which reinforces the lack of desire to try.
5.The Thrill of Risk: Sometimes the motivation for cheating is the high of the thrill. This can be addictive. The more you get away with having the high and not losing the relationship, the more you look for that high.
Like any addiction, short-term benefits fade. Long-term harm grows as you drift from your partner. This can be very painful when it’s someone whom you love.
What to do:
Redirect risk-seeking behavior. Channel the desire for excitement into adventure. Try sports, travel, or challenging personal goals.
Talk to your partner about your desires. If you crave spontaneity, work together to create more exciting experiences. For example, role-playing meeting as strangers in a bar.
Be aware of the consequences: Be very conscious of what the effects of this behavior are for you long-term. Ask yourself if it’s worth it.
If you want to feel more satisfied in your relationship, then we should talk.
No need for therapy or endless coaching sessions. I combine psychology and neuroscience to help rewire your brain.
Get the relationship you want. Book your free call here.
I am a psychotherapist and men’s relationship coach. I have a Bachelor degree in Psychology and a Masters degree in Psychotherapy. In recent years I have focused my work on developing tools that combine neuroscience and psychology to provide an alternative to therapy. I’ve found this work particularly helpful to men experiencing relationship issues. Through these tools, I have been able to empower them to get the relationship that they want without the need for endless coaching or therapy sessions.
´Having worked with thirteen therapists, using the Rewire Tool with Jess is the only thing that has worked.´ Rob 50, happily married with two children.
If you want to be in a relationship that makes you happy, we should talk.
