How to find the right person.
5 ways you could be sabotaging love.
Do you avoid showing your feelings so you don’t get judged or rejected?
Are you someone who finds it hard to commit in case you’ve made the wrong decision?
Do you overthink every relationship until it fizzles out?
You might be playing “Relationship Chicken.”
Relationship Chicken is a term coined by the authors of the book on modern dating, How to be Dateable by Julie Krafchik and Yue Xu.
It describes the process of avoidance that many people engage in when dating, which aims to stop them from getting hurt.
The result is that they never go all in and commit to the process of finding the right person for them.
Dating is a risky business. It can be painful to be rejected. But there is no way to find love without taking some risks.
Read on to find out how you can feel more confident in your decisions as you look for love.
1. How to find the right person by recognizing your avoidant patterns.
A client of mine described how he couldn’t get past the third date. He began to build a story in his head about how there was something wrong with him.
As his friends started to settle down, he began to feel more and more left out. Despite the fact that, in reality, he wanted to find a partner, he began to give up.
As we investigated his behavior on dates in a bit more depth, a pattern became clear. He was not overtly demonstrating any interest in his dates.
By keeping his cards close to his chest, the other person would feel he wasn’t keen and pull away or not follow up.
He was playing Relationship Chicken.
My client was just trying to protect himself from getting hurt. His mother had been emotionally distant growing up, and he’d had a bad breakup that left him feeling rejected.
He ended up pushing people away. This only made him feel more unworthy and kept him from connecting with others on a deeper level.
By giving him tools to manage his feelings of rejection, he built the confidence to pursue the love he wanted.
2. Reframe commitment as a choice, not a trap, in order to find the right person.
Many people, especially men, associate commitment with losing freedom. This enhances the fear of making the wrong choice. Of being stuck in a relationship that restricts your life and makes you unhappy.
Our brains are designed for survival. They are on the lookout for ‘danger’ and want to avoid pain. That means they tend to outweigh the chances of a negative outcome.
This can be made worse if you have had adverse experiences in your past relationships. In reality, the right relationship enhances your life rather than restricting it.
The good news is that we can overcome our conditioning with the right brain training. You can start doing this right away.
Instead of asking, “What if I make the wrong choice?” shift your mindset to, “What if this connection brings me happiness?”
3. Learn to regulate your anxiety about finding the right person.
When relationships start feeling serious, your brain might scream, “Run!” This is your nervous system reacting to a perceived threat, not actual danger.
There are many simple and effective techniques that I use with my clients to help them ground themselves and feel more secure.
Remind yourself that closeness isn’t dangerous; it’s just unfamiliar. An article in the New York Post discusses how science shows that secure relationships reduce stress and improve mental health, so leaning in can actually benefit you.
4. Look for emotional safety, not perfection.
As French philosopher Voltaire insightfully pointed out, ‘Perfect is the enemy of good.’
If you have avoidant tendencies, you might look for an ideal partner who never makes you feel uncomfortable. But true connection involves some discomfort because growth and vulnerability go hand in hand.
Instead of seeking perfection, focus on someone who makes you feel like you can be yourself.
Do they respect your space but also show consistency? Do they communicate openly and calmly? These are the signs of a good match for you.
5. Take small, intentional steps toward connection.
If you find it hard to get close, take it slowly. All change takes time. Especially when it’s stressful or anxiety-inducing.
You don’t have to dive headfirst into commitment to find love. Start small, share a personal story, allow yourself to rely on someone in a minor way, or express appreciation instead of holding back.
The key is to push your comfort zone gently without triggering overwhelm. Over time, these small acts of connection build trust and make relationships feel less overwhelming.
If you want to feel more confident in your relationships, then we should talk.
No need for therapy or endless coaching sessions. I combine neuroscience and psychology tools to help you rewire your brain.
This will help you get the relationship you want.
I am a psychotherapist and men’s relationship coach. I have a Bachelor degree in Psychology and a Masters degree in Psychotherapy. In recent years I have focused my work on developing tools that combine neuroscience and psychology to provide an alternative to therapy. I’ve found this work particularly helpful to men experiencing relationship issues. Through these tools, I have been able to empower them to get the relationship that they want without the need for endless coaching or therapy sessions.
´Having worked with thirteen therapists, using the Rewire Tool with Jess is the only thing that has worked.´ Rob 50, happily married with two children.
If you want to be in a relationship that makes you happy, we should talk.
