Fear of Intimacy Symptoms: Find your triggers and fixes.

‘Someone asks me to commit.

I get that weird, uncomfortable feeling that makes me want to run.

I reject them.’

This is how Stephen Bartlett, presenter of the well-known podcast Diary of a CEO explains how he used to interact in relationships.

This describes perfectly what happens when someone has a fear of intimacy.

As Stephen Bartlett goes on to say, facing this fear leads to change. It enables you to create a greater experience of love and therefore life. This led him to find happiness in his current relationship.

Do you, like many of my clients who have a fear of intimacy, desire a deeper connection?

In this guide, discover how you can overcome your fears and stay the course in a loving relationship.

1. Fear of intimacy symptoms: How to recognize them.

Fear of intimacy doesn’t always show up in obvious ways. Many men who experience it don’t even realize they’re avoiding closeness because it often looks like something else, such as:

• Overanalyzing relationships to the point of talking yourself out of them
• Sabotaging good relationships by picking fights or losing interest
• Keeping things casual to avoid getting too emotionally invested
• Feeling suffocated when a partner wants more emotional closeness
• Prioritizing independence to the point where relationships feel like a burden

These behaviors often come from an unconscious fear of being hurt, judged, or trapped. Instead of addressing this fear directly, your brain convinces you to create distance so you don’t have to feel vulnerable.

What you can do

Take an honest look at your relationship patterns. Do you recognize any of these signs in yourself? If so, that’s your first step toward change.

2. Understand how your brain triggers avoidance and fear of intimacy.

Your brain is wired for protection, and if past experiences have taught you that closeness leads to pain, your brain will automatically try to protect you by avoiding it.

This happens in the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for detecting threats. Neuroscientists have found that when people with a fear of intimacy experience emotional closeness, the amygdala lights up as if they’re in danger—even if the situation is safe.

The result? You pull away, not because you don’t want love, but because your brain falsely perceives intimacy as a threat.

What you can do:

The next time you feel the urge to withdraw from someone, pause and ask yourself:

“Am I reacting to the present moment, or is this an old fear being triggered?” Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward breaking it.

3. Challenge your avoidance patterns and face your fear of intimacy.

Fear of intimacy creates patterns that keep love at arm’s length. If you’ve struggled with relationships in the past, it’s likely you’ve developed strategies to avoid deep emotional investment.

Some common avoidance strategies include:

• Distracting yourself with work, hobbies, or other priorities
• Keeping conversations surface-level to avoid deeper emotional topics
• Pulling away when a partner expresses needs or asks for more closeness
• Convincing yourself you haven’t “met the right person” (even when things are going well)

These behaviors feel safe in the short term, but they also keep you from experiencing deep connection.

What you can do:

Identify one avoidance pattern you use most often. The next time you catch yourself doing it, do the opposite; lean in instead of pulling away. This small shift will help retrain your brain to tolerate closeness.

4. Heal the Root of Your Fear

For many men, fear of intimacy is linked to past emotional wounds, such as:

• Growing up in an environment where emotions were dismissed or seen as weak
• Experiencing betrayal or rejection in past relationships
• Believing that love equals control or loss of personal freedom
• Fearing that if you let someone in, they’ll eventually leave

If intimacy has led to pain in the past, it makes sense that your brain would associate closeness with danger. But these old wounds don’t define your future.

I work with men to help them heal their nervous systems so that they don’t become so activated when a situation reminds them of past wounds.

This enables them to stay calm and collected instead of wanting to run, helping them to make better decisions.

5. Take Small Steps Toward Emotional Connection

Overcoming fear of intimacy isn’t about flipping a switch overnight. It’s about taking consistent, small steps toward deeper connection.

Start with low-risk vulnerability, such as sharing something personal with a trusted friend or partner. The more you practice, the more your brain will learn that emotional closeness isn’t dangerous. It’s safe.

What you can do:

Set a small daily challenge to open up emotionally; whether it’s expressing how you feel, asking for support, or staying present in moments of closeness instead of withdrawing.

Each step you take builds emotional resilience, making intimacy feel less threatening over time.

If you want to feel calm and collected when being in a relationship, then we should talk.