Emotional intimacy issues.

A guide to getting closer to your partner without becoming stressed.

If you are someone who gets stressed when your partner wants more closeness, you are definitely not alone. 

68% of men report struggling with emotional intimacy in relationships, often due to societal expectations and unaddressed personal issues. 

Closeness and trust in a relationship can be hard to build if you’re afraid to open up because of bad experiences in the past. A lot of guys put up mental walls without realizing. 

You might be doing this in order to keep yourself ‘safe’, but these walls can make it hard for you to connect with other people on a deeper level without feeling uncomfortable. 

The solution to becoming more at ease with more closeness in your relationship is to build emotional strength, vulnerability, and trust in your interactions.

You can do this by following these five steps. 

Step 1: Overcome your emotional intimacy issues by figuring out what your “Protective Shield” is.

Being hurt or let down in the past can make you put up a mental “protective shield” to block out pain. This may seem like a safety net, but it keeps you emotionally distant from others.

To uncover what your shield looks like, start by looking for patterns in the way you act. Do you tend to avoid talking about things that are more serious? Or shut down when you are stressed or upset? There may be something you are trying to protect yourself from that is making you act this way. 

You might be afraid of saying the wrong thing. Or of being rejected in some way. You may have experienced a betrayal or abandonment and want to avoid it happening again. You might get frozen when you are angry and not be able to speak.

Once you notice how your shield shows up, you can begin to recognize it for what it is. A protector. The problem is, this protector is more like an overprotective parent who doesn’t let you take risks that help you to live your life how you truly want to.

Ask yourself how you might benefit from allowing your shield to come down a little and taking some more risks. 

When we push ourselves in this way, our brains get a new message: when I do this,  nothing terrible happens. In addition, you get to enjoy the positive feelings that we all get when we experience emotional intimacy.

Step 2: Reframe being ‘weak’ as a strength to overcome emotional intimacy issues

To develop deep, meaningful relationships, with emotional intimacy, you need to be open and honest about how you feel. Many people see this as a sign of weakness. In reality it’s a huge strength.

A lot of the guys I work with find this outright scary. Sharing thoughts and feelings that are vulnerable can leave us feeling exposed. It can be very uncomfortable.

Yet, without being open, it’s impossible to experience deeper connection.

In Brené Brown’s famous Ted Talk, she shares her ground breaking research that directly links showing vulnerability with getting more connection. 

Yet so many people find it difficult. Especially men. Like with any learning however, we get braver through experience. When you first learned to drive I bet you were a little nervous and uncomfortable. How is it now? Second nature right?

New experiences are supposed to be uncomfortable. But the more we practice, the better we get. We become more motivated when we start to reap the rewards of our efforts at pushing through the discomfort. 

Pushing through discomfort requires bravery and strength. 

Remember that being open and honest doesn’t mean you have to give too much or try to get praise. It means being more open with other people about who you are. By slowly letting go of your shield, you can get emotionally closer and build trust.

Step 3: Learn to understand how you feel to build more emotional intimacy

Being aware of how you feel can help you avoid natural defenses that can get in the way of talking openly and building closeness. The better you become at noticing your protective shield, the less you will be driven by it. You will uncover what you are really feeling about things and be able to express them. You get a chance to feel seen, supported and connected.

There are lots of techniques that I use with clients to help build their EQ (emotional intelligence). The first step to all of those is to notice when you are having a feeling. Lots of us live our lives in our heads. Constantly thinking. We inadvertently cut ourselves off from our bodies which is where our emotions are.This blocks emotional intimacy.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve asked clients, ‘what are you feeling’ and they reel off a list of thoughts.’ I feel like I might lose my job’, is  a thought for example. It’s a worry. The real question is how do you feel when you have this thought. The answer might be, ‘anxious’ or, ‘afraid.

Don’t worry if this is a bit confusing. It’s a skill that can be learned just like any other skill. The more you practice, this skill becomes a superpower as you start to navigate your way more and more confidently through emotional waters.

Step 4: Build trust day by day.

The more trust that is built in a relationship, the easier it becomes to be more vulnerable.

Trust doesn’t just appear; it grows over time through being reliable, stable, and doing little things that show you’re open with your feelings. When two people feel safe and understood, they can trust each other more over time.

Do little things every day, like listening when the other person talks or keeping your promises, no matter how small. Be consistent in your behavior as much as you can. This will help you build trust with your partner. Being dependable shows that you care about them and are there for them, which builds trust in the relationship.

A great tip for building trust through communication can be to repeat what the other person says without judging them or trying to figure out what’s wrong. Just by being present helps the other person to be more trusting and open up. Which in turn helps you to open up and further build closeness.

Step 5: Be kind to yourself.

When you show yourself kindness, you become more accepting of yourself. This means you don’t have to build mental walls to protect yourself as much.

Being gentle with yourself lets you talk about past hurts and mistakes without so much judgment. This can help create more of a feeling of internal safety.

Think how it feels when someone is harsh to you. You probably tense up and feel like either getting defensive or want to run away. When someone is kind to you, you will probably notice you feel way more relaxed.

Start to notice how you talk to yourself. Especially when you are having a hard time. Ask yourself if you would talk to a friend like that. Most of us are way harsher to ourselves then we would ever be to anyone else.

Expert on self-compassion Kristin Neff says to tell yourself things like “It’s okay to feel this way” or “I’m learning and growing.”

This method lowers the shame or defensiveness that often gets in the way of being honest about how you feel, which makes your self talk more helpful.

That being said, it takes time and self reflection to figure out how to deal with issues of trust and openness. You can let go of protective behaviors, get used to being open and honest, and build a strong base for emotional closeness by taking these five steps slowly.

Remember that trust in a relationship starts from the inside. Being more accepting and kind to yourself will make it easier to connect deeply with other people.

If you want to become confident with more intimacy in your relationship then we should talk.    

No need for therapy or endless coaching sessions. I combine psychology and neuroscience to help rewire your brain.   

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