Why Do I Keep Leaving Relationships?
5 Ways You Could Be Sabotaging Love
Finding love is one of the most life-enriching experiences we can have as humans.
It can improve every area of life.
A Harvard study found that people who are in love perform better at work.
Another study showed that emotional intimacy and feeling understood are stronger predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction than frequency of sex.
But despite its rewards, finding love and nurturing a genuine commitment can also be one of the most challenging things to do.
We are conditioned by past experiences of pain, often rooted in childhood wounds or unhealthy dynamics from previous relationships. And in a world of constant digital stimulation and endless distractions, authentic connection is harder to come by than ever.
Many of the men I work with feel stuck in their search for compatible partners. They’ve grown tired of modern dating, where real emotional connection seems rare.
Instead, they settle for casual, surface-level relationships based on sex, validation, or comfort—jumping ship when things get too vulnerable or complicated.
But here’s what I know for sure: love is possible for everyone.
It doesn’t require perfection or playing games. It requires awareness, self-responsibility, and the courage to face your inner blocks.
Here are 5 hidden ways you might be sabotaging love, and how to stop.
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Why do I keep leaving relationships? You might have confused chemistry for compatibility
We all love the rush of chemistry. The butterflies. The spark. The pull. But chemistry is not the same as compatibility, and it’s not a guarantee of long-term success.
Neuroscience shows that when we experience intense early attraction, our brains release a surge of dopamine and norepinephrine, giving us a high not unlike that of a drug hit. But that “high” can cloud our judgment.
We might miss signs that that person is not good for us. We might not notice that we are repeating patterns based on familiarity rather than what can make us actually happy.
“We are often most attracted to people who fit our emotional wounds, not our emotional needs.” — Dr. Nicole LePera, The Holistic Psychologist
Ask yourself:
- Can I be emotionally honest with this person?
- Do I feel safe being vulnerable?
- Do our values align?
Don’t chase the spark, build the fire.
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You’re still operating from an avoidant attachment style and are still asking, why do I keep leaving relationships?
If you tend to pull away when things get close, find reasons to nitpick, or feel suffocated in committed relationships, you may be running on an avoidant attachment pattern.
Avoidant attachment is often the result of growing up in an environment where emotional needs weren’t consistently met. As adults, avoidant men tend to fear losing independence or being “trapped,” so they subconsciously push love away.
“Intimacy is often where our deepest fears live. We want love, but we fear the exposure it brings.” — Dr. Alexandra Solomon, relationship therapist and host of the Reimagining Love podcast
Here’s the truth: you can want connection and still feel scared of it. That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you—it means you need tools to regulate those emotions and move toward secure relating.
If you notice a pattern of withdrawing when things get real, explore that pattern, as a commitment to self-awareness, before you walk away from something meaningful.
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You’re choosing based on ego, not heart, making you want to leave your relationships.
Let’s be honest, many men are conditioned to value status, looks, and performance when choosing a partner. Society trains us to assess worth based on external markers, not emotional depth.
I worked with a client who was in his late forties. He placed a high importance on looks in his partners. The problem was that after a while, his girlfriends, who he had previously found very attractive, inevitably became less so. He would start to look at other women, disconnecting him from his current partner.
Feeling a strong attraction can be fun for a while. Not only is it short-lived, but it can also distract you from focusing on the qualities that truly indicate a meaningful, connected relationship.
“The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life.” — Jay Shetty, author and host of the On Purpose podcast
Love is not a checklist; it’s a connection. Start choosing women who bring out your authentic self, who support your growth, and who challenge you in healthy ways.
That’s how you build a partnership with your partners, not just a performance.
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You haven’t gotten past your last relationship (or childhood).
Unprocessed emotional pain has a way of showing up in the present, especially in dating.
Maybe your last partner betrayed your trust. Maybe you never felt good enough as a child. Or maybe you grew up believing that needing love made you weak.
If that pain hasn’t been worked through, it will shape the way you show up with every new person you meet.
In his book The Body Keeps the Score, trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk explains that unhealed emotional wounds live in the nervous system, affecting how safe or threatened we feel in intimate relationships.
Until you learn to self-regulate, you may continue to sabotage love by shutting down, overreacting, or becoming emotionally unavailable.
Healing isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being conscious. About recognizing, “Ah, that’s my fear talking,” and choosing a new response.
I teach many science-based tools to my clients that help them to regulate their nervous system and stop this form of sabotage.
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You’re not clear on what you actually want.
One of the most common reasons men fail to find real love is lack of clarity.
If you don’t know what kind of relationship you want, what values matter most to you, or how you want to feel with a partner, you’ll keep attracting random experiences. You are left wondering why they don’t last.
Clarity creates alignment. If you’re unclear, the dating world will reflect that back to you.
Ask yourself:
- What kind of relationship do I want to build in the next year?
- What emotional qualities do I want in a partner?
- What am I unwilling to compromise on?
Write it down. Get real. You wouldn’t walk into a business meeting without a clear goal. Don’t approach love that way either.
“Dating with intention doesn’t mean you rush, it means you move with direction.” — Matthew Hussey, dating coach and podcast host
Final thoughts: You’re not broken, you just need new tools.
If you’ve struggled to find the right person, it’s not because something is wrong with you. It’s because you’ve been running patterns that once kept you safe, but are now keeping you stuck.
Love requires risk. It asks you to show your heart. But it also rewards you in ways no other area of life can.
When you stop sabotaging love and start showing up with presence, clarity, and emotional availability, the right person stops being so hard to find.
If you’re ready to break free from the patterns that are holding you back, we should talk.
As a relationship coach for men, I’ve worked with countless guys who were stuck in cycles of avoidance, confusion, or burnout. I’ve helped them build real, lasting relationships from a place of strength.
If you want to know how to get the connection you want, we should talk.
No need for therapy or endless coaching sessions. I combine psychology and neuroscience to help rewire your brain.
Get the relationship you want. Book your free call here.
I am a psychotherapist and men’s relationship coach. I have a Bachelor degree in Psychology and a Masters degree in Psychotherapy. In recent years I have focused my work on developing tools that combine neuroscience and psychology to provide an alternative to therapy. I’ve found this work particularly helpful to men experiencing relationship issues. Through these tools, I have been able to empower them to get the relationship that they want without the need for endless coaching or therapy sessions.
´Having worked with thirteen therapists, using the Rewire Tool with Jess is the only thing that has worked.´ Rob 50, happily married with two children.
If you want to be in a relationship that makes you happy, we should talk.
