“You marry your unfinished business.” – Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and bestselling author
Let that quote land for a second.
If your relationship is stressing you out right now, there’s a good chance it’s not just about your partner. And it’s not because you’re broken or “bad at relationships.”
It might be because, unconsciously, your brain is trying to finish an old story.
Ever noticed how the people we’re most drawn to often trigger us the most? Maybe your partner makes you feel ignored, controlled, or not good enough. Or like you’re constantly failing no matter how hard you try.
These dynamics often mirror early experiences with our primary caregivers (read: mom, dad, or whoever raised you), which is why building resilience is crucial. And here’s where it gets crazy: your brain loves familiarity, even when it’s painful.
Why? Because your nervous system is trying to resolve an old wound, seeking a connection between past and present experiences. The subconscious logic goes something like this: “If I can get this person, who reminds me of the one who hurt me, to love me, I’ll finally be okay.”
The only problem? You can’t change other people. And trying to “earn” their love or chase their approval is a full-time job with zero return for your effort.
This is the #1 source of relationship stress I see in the men I coach. They’re not just overwhelmed by their partner; they’re exhausted from constantly trying to fix, prove, or rescue themselves in the relationship.
It’s a stress loop that’s hard to spot from the inside.
So, what do you do instead? How do you use effective communication to break free from that cycle without walking away (or blowing up)?
Here are 5 real-life-tested tips to help you become free from relationships stress.
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Coping with relationship stress by naming the pattern before you try to fix it.
A key question I would ask my clients is: “What does this remind you of?”
Maybe your partner criticizes you in a way that feels eerily like your dad did. It doesn’t have to be gender-specific. Your female partner can remind you of your dad and vice versa.
Maybe they withdraw and go cold like your mom used to when you upset her. Whatever it is, your nervous system is reacting not just to the present, but to the past. You’re not just hurt, you’re reactivated.
Why this matters:
Your amygdala (the emotional alarm system of your brain) can’t tell the difference between your partner now and your parent back then. It just knows, “This feels bad. Run, freeze, or fight!”
By recognizing the pattern—“Ah, this is that thing where I feel like I’m not good enough”—you shift your brain from reactivity to awareness. That’s when the prefrontal cortex (your rational brain) comes back online. And that’s when you can actually choose how to respond.
Labeling an emotion (“This is shame” or “This is fear”) reduces amygdala activation. Literally. It helps your brain chill out.
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Stop trying to get them to change to cope with relationship stress.
I know how tempting it is. If they’d just talk differently. Apologize more. Be more affectionate. Be less moody. You’ve probably tried everything: being patient, being angry, stonewalling, and bending over backwards. But here’s the truth:
You can’t change them. You can only change how you relate to them.
And honestly? That’s where the real power is.
In one session, a client said to me, “I’ve been treating my relationship like a DIY project—except the instructions are in a language I don’t speak.” We laughed, but he was spot on. Trying to control your partner’s behavior is a trap. It keeps you stuck in stress, resentment, and powerlessness.
Instead, start asking: What’s my part in this? How am I reacting, coping, or enabling? Shifting your focus from them to you isn’t selfish. It’s strategic.
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Use the 90-second rule to instantly reduce stress.
This one’s a game changer, especially in the heat of the moment.
My clients often say to me, “I like the sound of all this, but when I’m mad I can’t remember to do any of it”.
When something triggers you—your partner’s tone, a comment, them pulling away—your body reacts before your brain has time to think. Your heart rate spikes. Your stomach clenches. Your jaw tightens. That’s your nervous system saying, “We’re not safe.”
But here’s the trick: that biochemical reaction only lasts about 90 seconds—if you don’t feed it with your thoughts.
This is called the “90-second rule,” a concept by neuroanatomist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor. She says:
“If you remain angry after 90 seconds, it’s because you’ve chosen to stay in that emotional loop.”
So, the next time you feel hijacked, pause. Set a timer. Breathe. Let the wave move through you. Then respond—don’t react.
In coaching, I often teach guys to literally sit on their hands or walk out of the room when triggered. You’re not avoiding—you’re regulating.
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Choose connection over control
Stress makes us want to control everything, often exacerbating conflict. It’s your brain trying to avoid more pain. But here’s the catch: relationships are the opposite of control. They thrive on intimacy, safety, honesty, and emotional flexibility.
If your stress response is to withdraw, lash out, or try to “fix” your partner’s feelings, you’re not actually connecting—you’re managing. And that’s exhausting for everyone.
Instead, get curious. Ask them, “What’s really going on here for you?” Not from a place of fixing, but from genuine presence.
Sometimes what your partner needs is the support of simply feeling seen. And when they feel seen, their nervous system settles, and yours does too.
“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” – David Augsburger
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Ask yourself: what do I actually need right now?
Relationship stress tends to put all your energy outward—on what your partner is doing, not doing, or should be doing. But the more you externalize, the less you’re in touch with your own needs.
So pause and ask:
- Do I need a break?
- Do I need space to process before we talk?
- Do I need to set a boundary I’ve been avoiding?
In one coaching session, a client realized he’d never actually asked himself what he wanted from the relationship—he’d only ever reacted to what his partner wanted. Once he did, the stress started to lift. Why? Because clarity = power.
“You can’t meet your needs by abandoning yourself.” – Mark Groves (Create the Love Podcast)
The more you own your needs, the less resentment builds—and the less you rely on your partner to be the sole provider of your emotional safety.
Final thoughts: don’t let stress run the show.
Being in a relationship that pushes your buttons doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong relationship. But it does mean there’s something deeper going on—inside you, not just between you.
If you’re willing to look at patterns and learn to manage your emotional reactions differently, things can change.
Whether that means improving the relationship or walking away with clarity, the stress doesn’t have to control your life.
You’re allowed to want peace. And you’re allowed to take the lead in getting there.
If you want to know how you can get the peace you want, then we should talk.
No need for therapy or endless coaching sessions. I combine psychology and neuroscience to help rewire your brain.
Get the relationship you want. Book your free call here.
I am a psychotherapist and men’s relationship coach. I have a Bachelor degree in Psychology and a Masters degree in Psychotherapy. In recent years I have focused my work on developing tools that combine neuroscience and psychology to provide an alternative to therapy. I’ve found this work particularly helpful to men experiencing relationship issues. Through these tools, I have been able to empower them to get the relationship that they want without the need for endless coaching or therapy sessions.
´Having worked with thirteen therapists, using the Rewire Tool with Jess is the only thing that has worked.´ Rob 50, happily married with two children.
If you want to be in a relationship that makes you happy, we should talk.
