“In my 20s, I was 1,000 percent avoidant, embracing what I now recognize as avoidant attachment. Or, I don’t know… maybe I just enjoyed being single.” , Relationship expert, Dr. Gary Lewandowski
Do you find yourself pulling away when a relationship starts getting serious?
Do you constantly notice flaws in your partners, convincing yourself they’re not “the one”?
Or do you bounce from one relationship to the next, always searching for the perfect connection but never fully committing?
If any of this sounds familiar, you might have an avoidant attachment style.
Dr Lewandowski explains that avoidant attachment is a coping mechanism, often formed in childhood, that helps people protect themselves from emotional pain.
The problem is, it also makes real intimacy difficult.
You might tell yourself you just prefer to be single or that relationships simply aren’t for you. But is that the full truth? If deep down, you long for connection but struggle to maintain it, it’s worth exploring whether unmet emotional needs and your avoidant attachment style are holding you back.
Here are five key signs of avoidant attachment and what you can do about them.
1. Avoidant attachment and ‘Nexting’ (jumping from one relationship to the next.
One of the most common behaviors of people with avoidant attachment is what’s often called nexting. This is when you are constantly move from one relationship to the next without fully investing in any of them. As soon as things get too deep, you’re out. Maybe you tell yourself:
• I just haven’t met the right person.
• I’m better off single.
• Something was missing, so I had to leave.
While it’s true that not every relationship is meant to last, if this is a repeated pattern, it’s worth asking yourself: Am I leaving because something is genuinely wrong, or because I’m uncomfortable with emotional closeness?
What to do about it:
Before ending a relationship, ask yourself what’s really making you want to leave. Is it incompatibility, or is it fear of emotional vulnerability? Take a pause before jumping into something new, get comfortable sitting with discomfort instead of immediately “nexting” someone.
2. Being easily offended (and misinterpreting intentions) as a sign of avoidant attachment.
People with avoidant attachment often interpret neutral or even positive actions as criticisms or threats. This is where Hanlon’s Razor comes in. A mental model that states:
“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity (or misunderstanding).”
In relationships, this means your partner probably isn’t intentionally hurting you. If they forget to text back quickly or don’t respond with the enthusiasm you expected, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re losing interest or being disrespectful. But if you have avoidant tendencies, your brain may quickly jump to:
• They’re trying to control me.
• They don’t respect me.
• They’re being needy.
What to do about it:
Before reacting, ask yourself, “Is this person really trying to hurt me, or am I assuming the worst?” Practicing self-awareness can help you see that your partner’s actions aren’t personal attacks.
3. Having too many rules, keeping you avoidant.
Do you have a long list of dealbreakers? Do you avoid relationships unless they meet all your requirements? Many avoidantly attached men have rules that keep potential partners at arm’s length, such as:
• They must text me only once a day, or they’re too needy.
• They can’t expect me to meet their friends right away.
• They have to match my exact lifestyle, or it won’t work.
While standards are important, rigid rules often serve as a way to maintain emotional distance. They create an illusion of control but actually prevent real connection.
What to do about it:
Instead of hard rules, try having principles.
A principle might be, “I want to be with someone who respects my independence,” but that doesn’t mean rejecting someone simply because they express emotions differently than you do.
4. The “One Strike” policy.
Everything starts great, until your partner makes one mistake. Maybe they say something that annoys you, or they show a small insecurity, and suddenly, you’re out.
This is a defense mechanism. By cutting people off at the first sign of imperfection, you utilize an avoidant attachment style to avoid potential pain down the road. But the reality is, everyone has flaws, including you.
If you discard people too quickly, you’ll never experience the depth that comes from working through challenges together.
What to do about it:
Next time you catch yourself wanting to leave because of one small issue, ask:
• Is this a real dealbreaker, or am I just scared?
• Would I want someone to leave me over something this minor?
• What if I sat with this discomfort instead of running from it?
5. Being an overachiever to avoid emotional intimacy
Some men with an avoidant attachment style throw themselves into work, hobbies, or other projects so they don’t have time for relationships.
It’s easier to focus on winning at life than to navigate emotional vulnerability.
If you constantly tell yourself, I just don’t have time for a relationship, it might not be true. It might just be a convenient way to avoid emotional risk.
We also can’t prioritize everything. If you know that deep down you would like to become closer to a partner, you will have to make time for this aspect of your life.
What to do about it:
Accept that you can’t prioritize everything. everything. Recognize that addressing emotional needs and emotional closeness requires effort, just like your career or fitness goals.
Make space for relationships instead of treating them as an afterthought.
Understanding the Roots of Avoidant Attachment
To truly address avoidant attachment, it’s essential to understand its roots. Often, avoidant attachment styles develop in childhood as a response to caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or inconsistent. This can lead to a belief that relying on others is unsafe, fostering a preference for self-reliance, emotional distance and fear of intimacy.
Reflect on Your Past:
Consider your early relationships with caregivers. Were they emotionally available? Did you feel secure in expressing your needs? Understanding these dynamics can provide insight into your current attachment style, particularly if you identify with an avoidant attachment approach.
Emotional Regulation Skills
Developing emotional regulation skills is crucial for overcoming avoidant attachment. This involves learning to tolerate discomfort and vulnerability, which are often avoided by those with an avoidant style. There are neuroscience-backed practices that can create long-lasting change, helping you manage your emotional responses more effectively and fostering healthier relationships.
Cultivating Secure Attachment Behaviors
Shifting from avoidant to secure attachment involves adopting new behaviors that promote intimacy and connection.
Practice Open Communication:
Work on expressing your emotional needs and feelings openly with your partner. This can help build trust and reduce misunderstandings.
Gradual Exposure to Vulnerability:
Gradually expose yourself to situations that require vulnerability. Start with small steps, such as sharing a personal story or expressing a need, and gradually increase your level of openness.
The Role of Neuroscience in Attachment
Understanding the neuroscience behind attachment can provide valuable insights into why we behave the way we do in relationships. The brain’s wiring plays a significant role in attachment styles, influencing how we perceive and respond to emotional closeness.
Neuroplasticity:
The brain’s ability to change and adapt, known as neuroplasticity, means that it’s possible to rewire attachment-related patterns. Engaging in new behaviors and thought patterns can create new neural pathways that support healthier relationships.
Oxytocin and Bonding:
Oxytocin, often referred to as the “love hormone,” plays a crucial role in bonding and attachment. Engaging in activities that promote oxytocin release, such as physical touch, can enhance feelings of connection and security.
If you want tools to help you overcome your avoidant attachment behaviors for good, then we should talk.
No need for therapy or endless coaching sessions. I combine psychology and neuroscience to help rewire your brain.
Get the relationship you want. Book your free call here.
I am a psychotherapist and men’s relationship coach. I have a Bachelor degree in Psychology and a Masters degree in Psychotherapy. In recent years I have focused my work on developing tools that combine neuroscience and psychology to provide an alternative to therapy. I’ve found this work particularly helpful to men experiencing relationship issues. Through these tools, I have been able to empower them to get the relationship that they want without the need for endless coaching or therapy sessions.
´Having worked with thirteen therapists, using the Rewire Tool with Jess is the only thing that has worked.´ Rob 50, happily married with two children.
If you want to be in a relationship that makes you happy, we should talk.
