Should I Stay With My Partner?

How to solve the dilemma.

Have you ever heard the saying, ‘The grass is not greener on the other side; it’s greener where you water it’?

So how do you decide whether staying and working on your relationship is the best thing for you? Or whether you should cut your losses and leave?

Being in a dilemma about a relationship can cause significant stress.

The very nature of a dilemma means that there is no clear winning answer. If there were, you would not be in a dilemma.

This can create a lot of overthinking.

Do you feel like you’re going in circles? You weigh options but never reach a conclusion?

You might compare your relationship to others’. Or wonder about what a happy relationship should be like. You might fantasize about what it would be like to be with another person.

I’ve worked with men who have been in states of high anxiety for months before they came looking for help.

They struggle to focus on anything else. They are not watering any grass anywhere, and they are becoming stuck.

In this guide, I’ve put together some key questions that can help you resolve your dilemma.

So that you can choose which grass to water and get back to living your life.

1. Should I stay with my partner? First check in with how you feel.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. A common mistake is thinking you must only have positive feelings for your partner to have a happy relationship. But that’s not true. It is also not realistic.

Yet, if you are noticing that you are more often feeling sad, lonely, or disengaged, it’s worth examining why.

2. Ask yourself if you can talk about your concerns with your partner before answering the question, “Should I stay with my partner?”

Talk about your concerns before deciding if you should stay with your partner. A common mistake in relationships is thinking your partner knows how you feel. This can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It’s important to communicate openly instead.

But, your partner is not a mind reader. You must express your concerns in order for them to be considered. Good communication is key.

Marshall Rosenberg developed a method called Nonviolent Communication that helps people be seen and heard. There are several great resources you can use to apply this technique yourself. https://www.cnvc.org/

If you share your concerns and your partner doesn’t respond well, you might have a bigger issue. If you are ignored or dismissed, change is unlikely to happen.

3. Are the same problems repeating when you stay with your partner?

Do you find yourself stuck in a cycle of the same fights, the same disappointments, and the same unmet needs? Patterns that don’t change can lead to long-term unhappiness.

I am not talking about general annoyances. Habits that you wish your partner didn’t have that get on your nerves. But deeper issues where you have a values conflict, for example. Or where your partner treats you with coldness or unkindness on an ongoing basis.

4. Do you feel loved, respected, and valued?

If you feel invisible, unappreciated, or consistently criticized, it may be a sign the relationship is not meeting your emotional needs.

If you’ve asked for what you need many times and nothing changes, this might not be the right relationship for you.

Be honest with yourself about whether you have made a genuine effort to talk things through. Again, remember that your partner is not a mind reader.

5. Is there still physical intimacy?

Is there still a physical connection, or are you more like roommates now?

Sometimes there are circumstances that can mean a lack of physical connection. A mental or physical health condition, for example.

Other times it can mean there is an emotional issue between you that needs resolving. Or that you have fallen out of the habit of having sex, becoming lazy about it.

Overuse of porn could be getting in the way, reducing your desire for your partner. https://jessbigogno.com/avoidant-attachment-issues/what-to-do-if-you-have-a-porn-addiction/

It’s a mistake to assume things will resolve themselves or that a relationship will work out in the long run without a physical connection. This is unlikely.

If you feel you have tried everything or that your partner is unwilling to address the issue at all, then this could be a reason not to stay with your partner.

6. Is your partner willing to work on things?

A healthy relationship requires that both people make an effort. If you’re the only one trying to fix things, it is unlikely to work.

Relationships thrive on mutual commitment and collaboration. When both partners are actively engaged in nurturing the relationship, it creates a dynamic where growth and understanding can flourish.

This means not only addressing issues as they arise but also proactively seeking ways to strengthen your bond.

Consider having regular check-ins with your partner to discuss how each of you feels about the relationship. This can be a time to express gratitude, voice concerns, and set goals together.

If your partner is open to these discussions and willing to take actionable steps, it’s a positive sign that they are invested in the relationship.

However, if you find yourself constantly initiating these conversations without reciprocation, it may lead to feelings of loneliness and frustration.

Over time, this imbalance can foster resentment, as you may feel that your efforts are unappreciated or unnoticed.

It’s crucial to communicate your need for a partnership where both parties are equally committed to making things work.

Aside from the fact that you will feel resentment over time, you will also end up in an unsatisfying relationship as no positive changes happen. This stagnation can erode the foundation of your relationship, leaving you both feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.

It’s important to recognize when your efforts are not being matched and to have an honest conversation about the future of your relationship.

7. Do you envision a happy future together?

When you imagine your future, does it include your partner in a fulfilling way? Visualizing a shared future is a powerful indicator of your relationship’s potential.

Consider whether you see your partner as a supportive presence in your life, someone who complements your journey and shares in your dreams and aspirations.

Do you have any life projects together? Joint projects, whether they are related to career, family, or personal interests, can strengthen your bond and provide a sense of shared purpose.

These projects can range from planning a vacation to starting a family or even embarking on a business venture together. They serve as a testament to your ability to work as a team and navigate life’s challenges side by side.

Do they make you feel excitement or dread? It’s important to assess your emotional response when thinking about these shared endeavors.

If the thought of a future with your partner fills you with excitement and anticipation, it’s a good sign that your relationship is on a positive trajectory. However, if you feel dread or anxiety, it may indicate underlying issues that need to be addressed.

If you have tried to create goals or projects together and your partner is unwilling to engage, you may end up feeling unfulfilled.

This lack of engagement can be a red flag, suggesting that your partner may not be as invested in the relationship as you are. It’s essential to have open and honest discussions about your future together and to ensure that both of you are on the same page.

Ultimately, envisioning a happy future together involves more than just shared goals; it requires a deep emotional connection and a commitment to supporting each other’s growth and happiness.

If you find that your visions for the future are misaligned, it may be time to reevaluate whether this relationship is truly meeting your needs and aspirations.

8. Are you staying out of fear?

Are you worried about being alone, financial stability, or how a breakup will affect others more than your actual happiness?

Staying out of fear is rarely the right choice in the long run. It becomes unsustainable.

Sometimes the ‘grass is always greener’ works against us. If after considering all of the questions above you can see that there is nothing major wrong with your relationship, but you still feel unhappy, it could be you that you personally need to make some changes. Especially if you notice you this keeps happening to you in relationships.

9. Reflect on Your Personal Growth and Goals

Consider how your relationship aligns with your personal growth and future aspirations. Are you able to pursue your goals and dreams while being in this relationship, or do you feel held back?

A supportive partner should encourage and celebrate your achievements, not hinder your progress. If you find that your relationship is stifling your personal development, it might be time to reassess its impact on your life.

Reflect on whether your partner shares similar values and ambitions. Discrepancy in these areas can lead to conflicts and dissatisfaction over time.

It’s important to have open discussions about your individual and shared goals to ensure that you are both on the same path or willing to support each other’s journeys.

10. Evaluate the Impact on Your Mental Health

Your mental health is a crucial factor in deciding whether to stay with your partner. A healthy relationship should contribute positively to your emotional well-being.

If you find that your relationship is a constant source of stress, anxiety, or depression, it’s essential to address these issues.

Remember, prioritizing your mental health is not selfish; it’s necessary for your overall happiness and well-being. A relationship should enhance your life, not detract from it.

If you want to be free from the stress of your relationship dilemma, then we should talk.

No need for therapy or endless coaching sessions. I combine psychology and neuroscience to help rewire your brain.   

 Get the relationship you want. Book your free call here.