I am not attracted to my girlfriend anymore. Do you love her or leave her?

“Love seeks closeness and security, desire thrives on a sense of novelty and mystery.” — Esther Perel

This fundamental truth creates a big problem for long-term relationships. The better and longer you know someone, the less likely you are to feel spontaneous desire for them. If you’ve found yourself thinking, “I’m not attracted to my girlfriend anymore,” you’re not alone.

But before you make any drastic decisions, understand this:

1. You may be experiencing a normal phase of a long-term relationship.
2. Your feelings may be a sign that the relationship has run its course.

Both situations come with challenges. If the relationship is truly over, you’ll have to face the pain of ending it. If it’s just a phase, you’ll need to actively work to reignite your attraction and emotional connection.

The good news? No matter which situation applies to you, you can find happiness and fulfillment.

Here’s how to figure out where you stand—and what to do about it.

Step 1: “I’m not attracted to my girlfriend anymore”. If you are worried about this, first understand why attraction fades

Attraction is strongest when things feel new and exciting. In the early stages of a relationship, your brain is flooded with dopamine—the same chemical responsible for feelings of pleasure and reward.

This makes everything about your partner seem intoxicating. Research in neuroscience supports this, showing that the brain’s reward system is highly active during the initial phases of romantic love.

A study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology found that early-stage romantic love activates the brain regions associated with reward and motivation, similar to the effects of addictive substances.

A lot of my clients struggle with this addictive part. Sometimes seeking out pleasure in ways that actually make them feel less attracted to their partner, such as overuse of porn.

However, over time, familiarity sets in. The mystery fades, and your partner becomes part of your daily life. As a result, your brain stops producing the same level of excitement.

This transition is completely normal and is supported by research in psychology and relationship studies. According to a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, long-term relationships often experience a decline in passionate love, which is characterized by intense emotions and physical attraction.

Instead, they evolve into companionate love, which is marked by deep affection, emotional intimacy, and a sense of commitment.

This shift from passionate to companionate love is a natural progression in relationships. It reflects a deeper bond that is built on trust, shared experiences, and mutual respect.

While the initial thrill may diminish, the stability and comfort of a long-term relationship can provide a different, yet equally fulfilling, form of satisfaction.

But here’s the key difference: In some relationships, relationship issues such as attraction loss are just a phase, and attraction can be rebuilt. In others, the loss of attraction signals something deeper—perhaps a fundamental incompatibility or a realization that the relationship isn’t right for you.

So, how do you tell the difference?

Step 2: Ask yourself these key questions to know why you’re not attracted to your girlfriend anymore.

1. Do You Still Admire and Respect Her?

Attraction isn’t just about looks—it’s about admiration. If you respect her, appreciate who she is, and enjoy her company, then chances are, your feelings can be rekindled.

But if you find yourself annoyed by her personality, uninterested in her thoughts, or resentful in some way, the issue may go beyond attraction.

2. Do You Enjoy Physical Intimacy When It Happens?

Maybe you don’t initiate intimacy as much, but when you do, does it feel good? Do you still enjoy kissing, touching, or cuddling? If so, your attraction isn’t completely gone—it just needs a jumpstart.

If, on the other hand, you actively avoid physical intimacy, feel repelled by it, or feel completely uninterested no matter what, this might indicate deeper disconnection.

3. Is the Reason You Are Not Attracted To Your Girlfriend Anymore, Due to Stress or Other External Factors?

Life stressors—work pressure, financial struggles, health issues—can have a huge impact on attraction. If you’re mentally exhausted, your sex drive and emotional connection will take a hit.

Before blaming the relationship, consider whether outside factors are affecting your feelings.

4. Have You Tried to Reignite Attraction, or Have You Just Expected It to Return?

Many people assume attraction should be effortless. But in long-term relationships, maintaining desire requires intentional effort.

If you haven’t actively worked on reigniting attraction, it’s too soon to assume the relationship is over.

Step 3: How to reignite attraction to your girlfriend if the relationship is worth saving

If you’ve determined that your relationship still has potential, here’s how to bring back the spark:

1. Create Space and Mystery

As Esther Perel says, desire needs space. When you’re always together, there’s little room for longing or curiosity.

• Spend some time apart pursuing separate hobbies and interests.
• Challenge yourself to see her as an individual—not just your partner.
• Go on a weekend trip alone or with friends.

When you reconnect after time apart, attraction often reignites naturally.

2. Change Up Your Routine

Falling into the same patterns every day kills excitement. Break the monotony by:

• Planning a surprise date or doing something completely new together.
• Dressing up for each other, even when staying home.
• Being spontaneous—send a flirty text or initiate intimacy when it’s least expected.

3. Work on Your Own Confidence

A huge but overlooked factor in attraction? Your own self-esteem. If you don’t feel confident or attractive yourself, it can impact how you view your partner.

• Get in shape, improve your grooming, and wear clothes that make you feel good.
• Pursue personal growth—whether it’s learning a new skill, setting career goals, or socializing more.
• The more you feel attractive, the more you’ll find attraction in your relationship.

4. Improve Emotional Connection

Attraction isn’t just about looks—it’s about how connected you feel. To strengthen your emotional bond:

• Have deep, meaningful conversations instead of just talking about daily logistics.
• Express appreciation for her qualities.
• Reminisce about the early days of your relationship—what made you fall for her in the first place?

Step 4: When It’s Time to Walk Away

If you’ve tried the above and still feel nothing, it may be time to accept that the relationship isn’t right for you. Here are clear signs it’s time to leave:

• You feel relief at the thought of being single.
• You’ve stopped caring about fixing the relationship.
• You feel more like roommates than partners.
• You’re staying out of guilt, obligation, or fear of being alone.

Ending a relationship is painful, but staying in one that doesn’t fulfill you is even worse. If you don’t see a future, the kindest thing you can do for both of you is to be honest.

Final Thoughts: Love Her or Leave Her?

Attraction isn’t constant in any relationship. It naturally ebbs and flows, but if the core of your relationship is strong, it can be rebuilt.

Before walking away, ask yourself:

• Do I admire and respect her?
• Do I enjoy intimacy when it happens?
• Am I stressed or in a rut that’s affecting my feelings?

If the answer is yes to these, put in the effort to reignite the spark. If not, be brave enough to walk away.

Either way, know that you have control over your happiness. Whether you rebuild attraction or move on, your future relationships—whether with her or someone new—will be better because of the clarity you gain now.

If you want to get more clarity in your relationship, then we should talk.

Book a free discovery call now.