How do I know if I should leave my partner?
A step-by-step guide to deciding whether to stay or go.
‘There are few things in life more important to your happiness than the overall quality of your relationships.’ Steve Hayes, psychologist and author.
It is therefore not surprising that we want to make sure that we are in the best relationship we can be.
The stakes are high.
What can be difficult is deciding whether the relationship you are currently in is the one for you. After all, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship.
If you are feeling like you are in a dilemma about whether to leave your relationship, keep reading.
In this guide, you will discover the steps to follow so that you can make the best decision for yourself right now.
1. How do I know if I should leave my partner? First, understand how you got to this point in your relationship.
Most of us begin a relationship by falling in love. One of life’s great mysteries is what makes us fall for someone.
Falling in love occurs primarily without conscious awareness. It’s partly due to neurochemicals and partly from conditioning throughout our lives, especially in childhood.
It’s common knowledge that chemistry has a part to play. A person’s smell or movement can trigger our brain and body, sparking feelings of desire.
These pathways are powerful and they are designed to make us want to procreate.
Our biology is set up for us to continue our species. Although not so much for happy, long lasting relationships.
Also, a large number of us have been wounded on some level during childhood. Our parents had their own issues and made mistakes.
They might not have known how to, or not have been capable of meeting all our needs all the time. Some parents act out their own wounds by being abusive in some way, continuing the cycle.
Dick Schwartz, psychologist and founder of Internal Family Systems therapy, explains that when we select a partner, without realizing it, we often pick someone who reminds us of a caregiver who has hurt us. They present an opportunity for us to try to heal those wounds.
If this person can love us and accept us, then we redeem our parental experience, and the pain might go away. This can be highly alluring.
We need to heal our own wounds. If we don’t, we may feel let down. It will become clear that our partner is just another flawed person, not a savior.
It’s crucial that we understand what our patterns are in relationships. What are the subconscious drivers that get us to fall for someone?
If you don’t do this, then you will start to feel disappointed when the chemistry wears off and the wounds are still not healed.
This can start to happen between six months and two years after first falling for someone. You may discover that the relationship is not right for you. Or find that your expectations of how your partner should make you feel might not match reality.
2. How to assess whether you should leave your partner.
I work mainly with men in midlife. I have questions I always ask. They help me see if a relationship can improve or if I should guide them to leave.
Are you experiencing constant criticism and blame?
Do your conversations often turn into personal attacks? If there is no room for constructive discussion, you will end up with emotional exhaustion.
Are you walking on eggshells?
Do you feel on edge because you don’t know when something you say might provoke an attack? This can wear away at your nerves and affect your ability to stay connected.
Are you lacking emotional or physical intimacy?
Have you stopped being physical with your partner? Do you notice a growing emotional distance? It’s normal to have ups and downs. But without intimacy, it’s hard to feel satisfied with your connection. You could end up feeling alone.
Do you often feel rejected or unimportant?
Do you often feel dismissed, unappreciated, or like your needs don’t matter? If this issue is not addressed, resentment can build, making things worse.
Do you feel like you keep coming back to the same unresolved conflicts?
Do the same arguments repeat without real solutions? This can lead to frustration and disconnect. Sometimes a values conflict has no resolution and can create deep unhappiness.
Do you notice your partner hides things? Or doesn’t respect your privacy?
A lack of trust creates distance. It’s important to feel safe and respected in your relationship.
Is there an imbalance of effort?
Do you feel like you are carrying the weight of the relationship? Are you the one who makes all the effort to resolve conflict? Are you doing things for your partner and never receiving anything in return? This imbalance can create burnout.
Do you feel drained instead of supported?
A relationship should be a source of connection, not something that constantly drains your energy and self-worth.
Good communication and a coach or therapist can resolve some of these issues. But if you feel like you’ve tried everything. If you feel like your partner is not open to work on things. If nothing changes over the years or gets worse, it might be time to accept that it’s time to leave.
3. How do you know what to do if you are still not sure whether you should leave?
Being in a dilemma about whether to stay or go can be extremely difficult and stressful. If there were an easy answer, you would have found it by now.
It is important to be kind and patient with yourself.
Remember that past wounds could be coming up. You are likely to have to face some very difficult feelings, whatever you choose.
What most of my clients do in this situation is overthink. Going over and over the options without reaching any satisfying conclusions. Increasing the stress of indecision.
Try to limit your thinking time to ‘productive thinking time.’ Set aside some time once or twice a week.
Write down a pros and cons list of leaving and staying. If there is no obvious conclusion, accept that for now and leave it until the next time.
Remember there is no way to not decide. If you don’t decide to leave after doing the exercise, you have decided to stay. Own this decision and set an intention that will help you make the best of it. For example, be caring to your partner. Spend time with your kids. Or, pay attention to your health.
Don’t let your mind return to it unless you have a new thought. If you do, be sure to write it down. Remember, you scheduled some time for productive thinking. Come back to it later.
If you want help to get relief from indecision and get the relationship you want, then we should talk.
No need for therapy or endless coaching sessions. I combine neuroscience and psychology tools to help you rewire your brain.
This will help you get the relationship you want.
I am a psychotherapist and men’s relationship coach. I have a Bachelor degree in Psychology and a Masters degree in Psychotherapy. In recent years I have focused my work on developing tools that combine neuroscience and psychology to provide an alternative to therapy. I’ve found this work particularly helpful to men experiencing relationship issues. Through these tools, I have been able to empower them to get the relationship that they want without the need for endless coaching or therapy sessions.
´Having worked with thirteen therapists, using the Rewire Tool with Jess is the only thing that has worked.´ Rob 50, happily married with two children.
If you want to be in a relationship that makes you happy, we should talk.
