How to stop feeling unimportant in a relationship and start feeling valued
‘You are not a cactus; you can’t survive in the desert.’ – Psychotherapist and relationship expert, Esther Perel.
Relationships need watering. But how can you water your relationship if you feel unimportant? Or like your opinion doesn’t matter?
When you feel unimportant in a relationship, it can feel like you are alone. It can be very painful to feel lonely and disconnected when you are with someone.
We all suffer when feeling a lack of connection. It’s an inherent part of human nature. Our suffering becomes worse when we also feel rejection. Or wonder what is wrong in the relationship, or worse, with us.
Men find this particularly difficult, as they are often not as used to talking about their feelings.
If you feel like a lonely cactus in a desert, follow these three steps to feel valued.
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Feeling unimportant in a relationship? It could be a lack of appreciation.
I primarily work with men, so my focus will be on them. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to women, too. It just appears in a slightly different way.
Research shows that a high ratio of positive to negative interactions is vital for healthy relationships.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, introduced the concept of a “magic ratio” of 5:1. This means that, in a stable and happy marriage, there are five (or more) positive interactions for every negative one.
The problem is that we have a natural tendency to see the negative more than the positive. Think about how often you point out what you are unhappy with compared to what you are happy with in your partner.
People can also feel embarrassed about expressing positive feedback and keep it to themselves. Or become so caught up in their to-do list that they forget.
When your partner criticizes you more than they appreciate you, it can make you feel unimportant and rejected.
Rejection can make you want to protect yourself. You may want to distance yourself or get angry. This can create a negative feedback loop.
What you can do
It is normal to want others to recognize you to feel good. Yet, we can become overdependent on this. Start recognizing your own worth and contributions instead of waiting for external validation.
You can also ask for appreciation, which can be hard to do. A lot of men I work with go into ‘shut down mode’ when they are angry or upset.
This makes it very difficult for them to get their needs met. They don’t find out that in most cases their partner does, in fact, appreciate them. They just haven’t expressed it. They might be stressed, busy, or they haven’t realized how important it is.
Try saying, ‘I love doing this and it would mean a lot to hear your thoughts on how it has helped.’ This can be a great way to get closer as you both switch into more of a positive mindset.
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How being criticized or judged can make you feel unimportant in a relationship.
The human brain is a judging machine. Our brains evolved in dangerous conditions. Making judgments about others was a matter of life or death. Is this person in my tribe? Is this person going to hurt me? Is this person going to have abilities that will contribute to my survival?
We are all going to be judged, and we are all going to judge others.
Notice what your brain does next time you are out. Notice how often it judges others. It’s basically saying, ‘they are not in my tribe.’
The problem is that judgment and criticism can feel like a rejection. This can cause intense pain. Our caveman survival brain doesn’t cope well with rejection. After all, if we were rejected by the tribe we would most likely die.
Research shows that the same part of the brain activates when rejected as when in physical pain.
This can activate a stress response which can be difficult to come out of in the moment.
Men struggle with hearing criticism of a specific action. They take it as a rejection of their whole selves. They won’t see a criticism of their work as a request to change. Instead, they’ll hear, “I’m being told I’m not a good enough partner.”
Feeling rejected is a big cause of conflict or shutdown mode.
A lot of the time, it seems impossible to do anything else because of the activation of the stress response. It’s not your fault; it just happens.
The problem is, the more disengaged you are, the less important you will feel as your contribution decreases.
Dr. Orion, The Dating Doctor, says, ‘Men need to feel their worth, and that comes from action.’
What you can do
When I work with men, I help them to reframe judgment and criticism, which prevents them from taking it personally. To not take it as a rejection of them as a whole and not activate the stress response that leads to anger or shutdown mode.
Very rarely does the person who judges or criticizes mean to reject the other. Try to find what other reasons they might have said what they said.
These are some top reasons for you to consider:
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Stress. An overloaded and stressed person is more likely to use negative communication.
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Feeling neglected. In this case, criticism and judgment is reflection of wanting more connection.
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Unfulfilled expectations. These can be expectations created by you, a situation, or a misunderstanding.
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Built-up resentment. This can be a result of many factors that can occur in a relationship over time and can be very painful.
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Uneven distribution of responsibilities.
None of these reasons mean your partner thinks you are not good enough as a person. Good communication can resolve all of them.
Ask yourself, ‘is this criticism about me, or is it about something else?’ You could try calmly expressing how you feel and try to get to the bottom of what’s really going on for them.
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Emotional disconnect can make you feel unimportant.
Emotional intimacy is a cornerstone of healthy relationships. When it’s lacking, men may feel unimportant and excluded.
It can be very painful when your partner is not checking in on how you are or dismisses you when you speak.
The fact that many men struggle to show vulnerability makes this worse.
Instead of expressing how this makes them feel, they may withdraw further. Creating even more emotional disconnect.
You can feel present in the relationship physically, but you may lack emotional connection. This can lead to you wanting to leave the relationship or going through the motions.
What you can do
Emotional disconnect involves both parties. It’s likely your partner is also feeling disconnected. While you can’t control your partner’s behavior, you can control your own.
Plan quality time together: a date night or a device-free dinner at home. Show interest. Ask your partner how they feel.
The try to express your own feelings about things. If this is hard for you, start small. Try saying what you liked or didn’t like about something that happened during the day.
I know it’s hard to do when you feel shut down or angry. But, you want to change those feelings. You want to feel calm and connected again.
If you want to feel more connected in your relationship, then we should talk.
No need for therapy or endless coaching sessions. I combine psychology and neuroscience to help rewire your brain.
Get the relationship you want. Book your free call here.
I am a psychotherapist and men’s relationship coach. I have a Bachelor degree in Psychology and a Masters degree in Psychotherapy. In recent years I have focused my work on developing tools that combine neuroscience and psychology to provide an alternative to therapy. I’ve found this work particularly helpful to men experiencing relationship issues. Through these tools, I have been able to empower them to get the relationship that they want without the need for endless coaching or therapy sessions.
´Having worked with thirteen therapists, using the Rewire Tool with Jess is the only thing that has worked.´ Rob 50, happily married with two children.
If you want to be in a relationship that makes you happy, we should talk.
