A recent survey found that 71% of people have faced challenges in their relationship with their partner in the last six months.
Yet, so many of my clients think relationships should be easy. They believe something is wrong with them if theirs is not.
What do you believe? Should relationships be hard?
Have you fallen into the trap of comparing yourself to happy couples on social media?
Or have you watched your friends’ relationships and thought about how well they get on?
Wonder why you often struggle?
Maybe you’re single now.
You’ve watched couples together.
You wonder why it’s easy for them but so hard for you.
So here’s the thing, long-term commitment can be hard. But it doesn’t have to be an exhausting slog.
Here’s how to learn to navigate the challenges of a relationship and find more happiness and connection.
1. Accept that relationships are supposed to be hard.
In a podcast interview, Diary of a CEO, journalist Johann Hari discussed his book, Lost Connections.
He had interviewed an influencer with hundreds of thousands of followers. She had poor mental health. He described how he went on her Instagram to see the posts she had made before and just after the call. In her posts, she appeared vibrant and happy as she talked about how well things were going for her.
It may seem obvious, but people forget. They only see the edited highlights of others’ lives. Both on and off social media.
Comparing your relationship to what you perceive in others or what you think you should be feeling is a sure way to feel bad. It’s also unhelpful. It stops you from fixing issues that could improve your relationship. It can make you feel like you need to throw the relationship out and start again.
Or worse still, if this comparison is a pattern for you, you may think you’re not made for relationships. This could make you sad, lonely, and feel bad about yourself.
The reality is, it’s normal for relationships to be hard. Humans are complicated. When they get together, things can get tricky.
Hard does not have to mean bad. Hard can also be exciting and fulfilling when you know how to overcome obstacles. When you understand that hard doesn’t mean wrong.
2. Become aware of why your relationship can be hard.
We all have basic needs. We need to feel safe, we need to feel loved and accepted, we need to feel validated and recognized. When these needs are not met, it’s very difficult and painful. We especially look for those needs to be met in an intimate relationship.
There are several reasons for this:
- Lack of time – meeting someone’s needs takes time, and we live in a very time-poor society.
- Life stressors (e.g., kids, work, household duties)
- Competing needs can cause conflict. One person may want more affection. The other might need space.
- Stress can make us numb out with social media or TV. That distracts us from our partners.
We also have human brains designed for survival, not happiness. This makes us reactive as we get triggered by situations that make us anxious, stressed, or angry.
I often think that it’s a miracle that two human brains can form a relationship given how hard it is.
